Creatrix

by Julie on April 30, 2010 · 13 comments

Void, by Steve Allen

Void, by Steve Allen

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“…the most beautiful thing a potter produces is…the potter.”
~Matthew Fox

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Sometimes I just get all hung up on what I’m creating…forgetting that if I really step into the destruction that must come before creation, what is transformed is not the creation, but the creator…me.

Every time I sit down to write, I can feel the death that’s imminent. I can feel the vortex of surrender. I fight it every time. Something pushes me to the edge, then I stand there waffling. I stand there knowing it’s what I want, yet fighting tooth and nail to not let go. Eventually, I do. I let go. I die to what wants to be born. And so far, I’m still here.

So what dies? What are these little deaths? I know my will goes away. Control goes away. My sense of how it should come out goes away. Thank goodness, because at the end of each process of writing, something complete seems to come forth, something comes back around to the beginning, something complete is born that never could have ‘thought’ its way out of me. I let go of my thinking mind, it disappears into the background. The words come. My hands type.

In these little deaths, the “I” is transformed. Who I believe myself to be changes. Each death changes me. And each one causes me to trust the process just a little bit more. It’s like building muscle memory, but instead its building trust…trust in the Creatrix. At the same time, each time we come to this place, we must know there is no guarantee the light will come again. It’s like when the moon goes to black, will it come back into view? Do we know this? If we don’t allow ourselves to let go that completely, the truth of what wants to be born will never come.

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To hold that larger unknowing is terrifying. The vastness of it is terrifying…The Feminine is terrifying and it’s what we have to give ourselves to.  ~Jerry Wennstrom

Standing on the threshold, I look into the darkness of what is to come, that womb of creation so vast…so, so vast. She feels enveloping – she is. She destroys. She transforms. She loves.

I crave the destruction. I know this. I crave it because I know, when it comes, for one brief moment I only exist in the largest, infinite sense. I crave it because something new, something real and alive comes through, something that the mind can not think into existence.

That’s what I love about blogging. It has transformed me in small bits, making me ready for the bigger plunge that is to come. Bigger in the sense of my creative projects on the horizon. And bigger in the sense of where we all are today.

The old way is dying. It’s been dying for a while now. What we see fighting this death are the last holdouts of patriarchy, the last holdouts of society as it has been, society based on hierarchy, dualism, and the belief of a separateness that allows us to stay insulated from the other’s pain. When I see into things, I see our society hanging on at the threshold, desperately wanting to let go of this bondage we’ve known for so long, yet afraid of what is to come.

And She is there waiting with open arms. She is wanting to embrace us into a new way. She is inviting us to die into what wants to be born.

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I know for myself, my masculine side is hyper-fixated on control, the succulence of ideas, the desire for order, the desire to know the outcome, the desire to have it all be one straight line from start to finish.

But, the feminine is this vastness, this darkness. Women are more comfortable with this vastness, because we are the embodiment of this divine feminine Creatrix. We are the Creatrix. In these times, it is critical women come down into our bodies, drop down into this vastness of this Creatrix, the divine feminine that lives through us. We can feel her pull. I have spoken with so many women who echo this knowing, this pull, this voice within that won’t be refused.

When we embrace this creatrix within, we invite ourselves back into right relationship with the divine feminine within. And IT IS FROM THIS PLACE that our divine masculine within will come forth, that masculine that can bring us into the world of action, speech, and relationship that comes from the sacred marriage within us, the sacred marriage of our divine feminine and divine masculine within.

In the end, transformation is impossible to avoid. It is always happening. The question is, will we want to let go willingly into her, into her embrace, so that something complete is born that never could have ‘thought’ its way out of us?

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And, you?

How do you experience this moment of creation? What helps you let go?

As a woman, can you feel her pull. Are you experiencing this knowing, this pull, this voice within that won’t be refused?

As a man, how do you experience this pull of the creatrix? How do you experience this vastness?

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Image by Steve Allen, licensed under CC 2.0

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

whollyjeanne April 30, 2010 at 9:53 am

around here, we say the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know. and damn if that devil you know doesn’t like to stop you cold in your tracks every time.

after reading our lovely post 3 times, here’s what bubbles up in me. unpolished, no segue in sight, and it feels a bit clicheish. . . how lucky we are to be able to not just acknowledge but embrace polarities. we know there are times when we have to play persephone and go down dark and deep, and at the same time, we know there are times we have to be demeter and come up for air and light. both are necessary.

vital.

we know that there must be lists made and maps consulted and plans to be made – at times, they are absolutely necessary. and at the same time we know – we just know – that at other times we have to step out onto that vast cloud – even if it’s a dark, ominous cloud – pull it up around us, and say “go.” that’s all, just “go.”

i guess we need to amend our saying to: the devil you know can sometimes be better than the devil you don’t know, but how will you know till you become acquainted with the devil you don’t know.

or something like that.

thank you for another big one, julie. big, juicy, chewy.

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Renae C April 30, 2010 at 10:54 am

Julie, there simply are no more words. Perched on the edge of the vast unknowing, trembling, but sure beyond doubt that is where I must go. Thank you for wrapping words – and hope – around the process.

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Julie April 30, 2010 at 6:53 pm

Jeanne – yes, polarities. at some point, we have to dive in. and, we can know that at some point we will come up. or out. thanks, dear.

Renae – that is where you must go. yes. hope. trust. xo

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Dike Drummond December 26, 2010 at 6:48 pm

Now I have a name for her … the “Creatrix” eh?

……. Lay back my child … relax … let me show you something …

What I know is that I have to totally relax, lay my head back like we did when we were learning to swim … and trust that she will hold me gently … as she dissolves me into individual atoms … all my moorings cut … floating free to find a new shore … a new language to express that which can’t be put into words.

Agony … Bliss … Bliss … Agony

No lines … no demarcation where one ends and the next begins its crescendo

And once I have been able to breathe through the molecular dis-assembly … I come out on the other side born again to this new awareness of what is at my core … what has been there all along that I only now see clearly …

And the new words come … and they are spot on. And we can talk about things we have never mentioned before … things that are true and elemental and wonderful … and we smile and know … that was what life is all about right there … new eyes and new thoughts … new words from a new tongue …

thank god I didn’t fight it …

lay back my child … relax … let me show you something …

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Julie December 29, 2010 at 8:50 pm

Dear Dike,
Thank you for sharing of your experience so eloquently. Thank you.
Blessings,
Julie

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Alysson December 24, 2012 at 1:47 am

I love grape hyacinths, they are beaftiuul flowers, I took lots of them myself earlier in the year. I know what you mean as well about going out to shoot and getting nothing, I feel that way a lot about the pic a day. Some/most days I feel completely uninspired.Great shot.

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Megan McFeely February 2, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Juile,

I so love your writing… bless you for just going for it. Thank you sister.

Megan

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Julie Murray May 23, 2011 at 8:40 am

Dear Julie,
Finding a blog like yours is like coming home. Yes, an amazing shift in the human experience is close and I pray I live to see it fully born. My children surely will and be a part of it. Truth is spreading, illusions are being lifted, hatred dissolved. Keep up the good work.
Have a beautiful day, Sister,
Sat Nam,
Julie Murray

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Caroline December 21, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Had to return and say—You are so spaeicl and loved.You would never Insinuate and never a Wally. Now for my ignorance what is a Wally? I just know there is no way it is you….cause you are The Cool One.Sending you spaeicl thoughts and love.

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jenn October 4, 2012 at 9:27 am

oh what’sa little darkness, uncertainty, fear of letting go og maos, curriculum and carefully laid plans? yes I know that fear, that trembling. I begin to know the serenity of flow, also. Blogging, leading classes and retreats, I begin to enjoy the slip slidingbfrom plan to improv, the slippery segue from knowing to not knowing, feeling grows stronger, I begin to trust my inner resources ir spidey feeling and experience to lay aside my notes and change streams mid-river….mixing metaphors but it is lots less fearful with time trust and practice. I need so gentle arms to hold me, and I envision a caring love- filled spirit who is nonetheless removing my training wheels so I can fly…

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